Keep it real Facebook!

I am crazy.  I know I am. 

I know I am crazy because I feel an intense loathing toward status updates on Facebook.  Not just any status updates.  The really condescending, albeit unintentionally, pretentious ones.  I just don’t care about your intense love for your children.  I assume you love your kids.  I want to hear the drama and the chaos.  It’s like the army.  I want a comrade to share the battle scars. 

I am so sorry to all my lovely friends who figure out that it is them that I speak of.  I just can’t take it.  I mean really, how does your day remain so friggin’ organic and virtuous?  It is so obvious. 

Case in point...

Organic friend’s post:

“Today my daughter and I made the most wonderful tiramisu, from scratch!  Organic and gluten-free, of course.  After that we created paintings out of homemade, non-toxic, bio-degradable water colors.  I love my family!”

Really?    REALLY?!  Girl, you need a drink.  Or maybe you are drunk and that is why you are making your own paints with $30 dollars worth of materials when Wal-mart sells the little trays of paints for 99 cents!

Super in love with her imaginary husband’s post: (he has to be imaginary)

“Hubby surprised me with a spur of the moment trip to a bed and breakfast.  For no reason!  I really did marry the man of my dreams!” 

This is the status like every other weekend.  It’s disturbing.  Who lives like this?  I can’t even go to the bathroom without a kid interrupting my peace and quiet.  This may be why I have a “shy bladder”.  And is anyone else suspicious as to why this man feels the need to take his wife away?  Is he hiding something?  HMMMMMM........

BLEEEEEECH!  There should be a rule that you can only post things that are funny and you cannot have status updates that could potentially make others want to gag.

I am guilty of letting these posts make me manic and question every move my family makes. 

At this moment, my absolutely true status update would be:

“Child #1 and her “boyfriend” are playing video games in the musty basement eating cheez-doodles.”   

Organic friend would just love that!

Another post would be”:

“I can hear the baby, calling child #2 a “poopyhead”.  While child #2 screams back that the baby needs an attitude adjustment.  Loud smack... child #2 is crying because the baby has bitten her on the finger.  My response?  “Well I guess you learned to never put your finger near her mouth, huh?  She sure gave you an attitude adjustment.  I love my kids!” 

I need a weekend vacation more than my “super in love with her imaginary husband” friend.   

Perhaps if I had spent the extra money buying all organic the baby would have not acquired a love for all words poop related.  

That’s it!  I am just about to make a life change to all organic.  But then status #3 occurs before my eyes...

“The baby just busted out of the bathroom, buck naked.  Well, except for her mismatched socks.  She has mascara painted all over her stomach and lip gloss caked on her eyebrows.  What a joy!” 

I am not sure giving her organic would fix this.  I need a devil dog and a long nap.